What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 01:59
She married twice! .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Why did i forgive my father ?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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Who then, do I blame.?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
This is soul school!.
Ive learnt so much.
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All the time i was locked up.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But, we were locked up after school.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She loved him until the end.
Why is there so much hate against black people?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
So whats the point in blame.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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As i do to all so called friends.?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And i lived it daily.
How do teachers justify punishing a student for fighting back against their bullies?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Why do men first look at a woman's chest instead of their face?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My life is so biszare .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We were not on the streets..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I write beautiful poetry .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My family never makes their pension either.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She found it foreign!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
So, i spoilt her more .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I will be 64.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I could never make a relationship work though!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I don,t even have a pension.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Would this be the day?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Put me off passion for life!!
It was going to be , some day.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One cannot live in the past .
I was scared of men, in general
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I said to her
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We all went to grammer schools
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She wouldn,t have been !
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Comes on , in middle age.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was 9 years of age.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I think the readers, may guess!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was very sick at this time too.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But it wasn’t much.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I waited trembling.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
When she asked me how she looked .
Im still living with it.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She was in good health!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
What did i know ?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was seconnd youngest,
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I have no regrets .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But ive been too sick for many years..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He knew the spot.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.